Harry Potter: The Afterwards
by LadyOfPurple
Summary: one shot A very funny fic Find out what happens when you combine Harry, a muggle telephone and Oliver Wood. No Slash pls R


**Harry Potter: The Afterward**

_By: crazywoodwriter_

**Disclaimer: **I do not own Harry Potter or any other characters.It all belongs to J.K Rowling sniff

And so the summer with Dudley did turn out to be a lot more fun than he had expected, seeing the fact that Uncle Vernon (a.k.a. Mad Santa) hadn't the slightest clue that Harry wasn't allowed to use magic outside of school. Every time Harry would walk past Dudley, Dudley would give a small shriek of nervousness and back away as if Harry were about to turn him to ash-or just give him another pig tail.

"hocus pocus, blabbady boo, flonoshinns bergla!" whispered Harry to Dudley when ever he passed him.

"MUMMY! HE'S KILLING ME WITH HIS YOU KNOW WHAT-I'M DYING! MY LEG IS FALLING OFF, I'M GETTING ANOTHER PIG TAIL-MUMMY!" cried Dudley when ever Harry did this.

It was always the same punishment from uncle Vernon- his big pruned face would yell "YOU WON'T BE ALLOWED BACK AT THIS PACE!-GO CUT THE ROSES AND CLEAN UP THE BIRD DUNG ON THE CAR………………NOW."

And so he did. The following day, he received some letters from his two best friends- Hermione granger and Ron Weasley. This one was from Ron.

_Dear Harry,_ it began_, how is your summer going? Mine's going great! Dad is now hyped because of his two weeks off- he's (of course) going to London to buy a few muggle items to examine for his upcoming presentation- " Muggles and their president of the Gay society of London" pretty non-fascinating eh? Thought so myself… anyways dad happened to find over the long weekend- well long weekend in the witch/ wizarding world a great new muggle toy- a game cube! We bought some games for it to play just for some good old-time muggle fun and of course for the experience just like our personal favorite- the Sims!. Dad has a family called the Hornes-the two guys in the family are well….. okay their married, it's only cause dad wants to learn more on his upcoming presentation. Well I have to go- those garden gnomes aren't going to find their way out of the garden through the shrubs now are they? Stupid things- well goodbye and have a nice end of the summer! See you at Hogwarts!_

_Ron._

Harry just stared- President of the gay society of London? The next letter in the pile was from Hermione.

_Dear Harry, how is the summer treating you? Well I presume. Have you been studying lately for Snape's classes? They are going to be hard this year. Sorry this has to be so short, I have to go have dinner! Well I guess Ron told you about Mr. Weasley- and that is where I leave the subject. Well, have a fantastic summer, see you at Hogwarts!_

_Love, Hermione. _

Harry's heart rose… _love_ Hermione? "hold on is there something I'm missing here? Like the big picture? I'd better talk to Ron.

_Dear Ron, am I missing the big picture here or something! Hermione put at the end of her letter Love Hermione…does like the whole school think that we, well like each other! Anyways please let me in on the scoop and also tell me the update on Wood and Angelina's love problem- and hey talk to your dad about having wood on his gay society of London presentation, I'm sure he'd love to have him! (shhh…. You didn't hear that from me, I might get kicked off the team if Wood found out I said that!" well take care! Please ask Hermione what she thinks of me I'm kind of interested. __ bye! -Harry  
_Then there was one more letter, addressed to Mr. Harry Potter, but there was no return- address. He opened the thin envelope. All that was there was a folded piece of paper and written on it in pink high-lighter as if it had been rushed and many many copies were being made read: I AM NOT GAY. I LOVE ANGELINA. END OF STORY. Harry chuckled- if he's not gay, _whyyyyy_ the _pink_ highlighter… why not ink or pencil? Why not green highlighter? Harry chuckled again.

"Goodbye, darling I'm taking Dudley to he store to buy some underpants isn't that right sweetums!" Harry heard Aunt Petunia squeal from downstairs proudly. Harry rushed downstairs.

"Can I come?" he asked eagerly so he could watch Dudley die of embarrassment at Collington's undergarments for young men.

"No of course you can't! You can't come in to the changing rooms with me and mummy while I change my underpants!" cried Dudley.

Harry quickly changed his mind-now he really didn't want to go. Harry did some more thinking upstairs in his room about him and Hermione. "After all, Hermione in very intelligent, she always knows the right answer and she is well, ahem, kind of cute with her hair and the way she figures things out and how great of a friend she is and the way her Gryffindor scarf is always perfectly tied around her neck and.." Harry suddenly bit his lip. "I _do_ like her!" Harry shook himself… HARRY YOU ARE GOING MAD, YOU CAN'T LIKE HERMIONE, SHE'S YOUR _FRIEND! _Suddenly, the whole second floor shook as Uncle Vernon ploppled his way up the staircase.

"What are you ruddy muttering about now boy?"

Harry thought he'd have a little fun with the subject just to experiment.

"Oh, just thinking about my girlfriend, I guess I'll be seeing her soon, she's real hot you know uncle Vernon you outta check her out sometimes, but no touchy that Hermione chick is my babe got it? She's very sexy when she kisses me in the halls at school, it' starts with a long kiss than makes it's way further down that road, usually the teachers see but they don't mind because I'm famous. WHOO! Man is Hermione a babe, I miss her so much!" he forced a small but yet fake tear down his face. Uncle Vernon just stared. So did Harry, what did he just let spill out! Did he really feel that way towards Hermione, HOLY UNDERGARMENTS HE JUST MADE HIS OVERWEIGHT FAT BEEFY 50 YEAR OLD UNCLE CHECK HIS BEST FRIEND OUT WHO IS ONLY 12!

"Well-" began Vernon " best be getting downstairs to start the Yorkshire pudding a heh heh…" he closed the door which was very abnormal for most of the time he slammed it, with a stretched expression over his faces- him and Harry were both speechless, almost as speechless as Harry was when he found out about Mr. Weasley's future presentation. Harry finally made a decision… he was going to call Hermione himself. He dialed the number-fingers trembling- waiting patiently and yet nervously for someone to pick up on the other line.

" Hi, you've reached the Grangers, we can make it to answer your call at the moment so please leave us a ring after the tone, cheerio!" beeeeeeeeeeeeep. Harry hung up quickly. "Shoot." He said under his breath. I'll re-dial. Riiiiiing…..riiiiiing…. he heard the other line had been picked up.

"Collington's undergarments for young men, Casey Allfield, how may I help you?" Harry paused: then he thought.

"Good evening Casey, I'd like to give a gift to one of your customers that are there right now by the name of Dudley Dursley who is with his mother shopping today, and the gift is from anonymous." Spoke Harry as dainty as he could.

"Ummmm okay and how exactly-"began Casey. Harry interrupted; "please give him the biggest pair of underpants that you can find…. They must be skimpy and leopard skinned, and please make sure the boy tries them on and make sure you see him in them, now how much will I be paying for those undergarments sir?" Harry covered the receiver and chuckled quietly so Vernon wouldn't hear.

"That comes to 34 pounds please. And how will you be paying? By credit card I assume?" asked Casey.

"Yes of course, my credit card number is 274754 6 4 35544 4."Said Harry holding back a storm of laughter.

"Thank you now please enter your pin number on the telephone numbers." said Casey. Harry made one up- it worked! He got through the pin number!

"Oh and remember Casey, it's from anonymous and by the way Dudley is short fat and blond-quite like a pig. Good day to you and thanks. Beeeeeep." Harry sunk his head in his pillow and laughed harder than ever then soon reminding himself of Vernon. Soon enough he heard the door open downstairs, Dudley and Aunt P. were home.

"Cruddy salesman!" began Aunt P. "Leopard underpants from anonymous… how ridiculous! I'll be sure to have that man fired from his job! Nobody embarrasses my Dudley boy like that but his parents." She said proudly has she gave Dudley a big hug and a sloppy kiss. "Now go try on your new undergarments and do us a little fashion show sweetums, just like when you were little." Squealed Aunt P. And so he did- he showed off his 16 pairs of new underpants- 2 ink black pairs lined with white, 3 plain white pair, one pair navy blue and one more baby blue pair, the next seven were brown with every day of the week written on them, one pair was Monday, the next Tuesday and so on, and the very last two were red with a bright yellow D sewed on the front of them. Aunt Petunia began to cry. "He's all grown up." She said sniffling. Harry couldn't laugh anymore- it was too funny. He decided to try calling Hermione again, he dialed the number but once m ore ended up calling the wrong number.

"Witching Hour, Oli- I mean_ Olivia_ speaking." Harry knew that Witching Hour was a cosmetic store-full of girlie junk and Harry hoped to never set foot in that store. It also carried a large supply of girls clothing and accessories, he had once passed by it in the mall while shopping with aunt p. it was horrendous-pink painted wall and pink feather boarding the ceiling. All the employees there were girls- except for the one on the phone who turned out to be a guy.

"OLIVER?" he cried. There was no answer. "OLIVER WOOD?" you could obviously tell it was guy trying to sound like a girl on the other end of the line.

"Um no," he squealed girlie-like "this is-ahem- Betty, I mean veronica, I mean Betty sue, WAIT I mean Olivia. Can I help you? We have wide selection of hot pink mini skirts today for ¼ price at 21 pounds a p.." said IT.

"I'm not interested in purchasing anything wood! What the hell are you doing working at witching hour; the most popular teen girl store in London? MENTALLY ILLED PERVERT! Ah! So its true- Mr. Oliver wood going into his prefect year at Hogwarts now has a job as a GAY cashier working at witching hour; so the rumors ARE true! YOU SENT the PINK highlighter note! YOU wanted me to become part or your gay squad! Well haha try again wood- well I guess you could always take Angelina's place in quidditch!" Harry was laughing beyond belief now.

"Shut up. I'm not gay, I'm jut replacing my cousin at work today because she had NOBODY ELSE."

Explained Oliver.

"Sure……. Then how come I have here a sheet for "ban Oliver's gay squad protest" with 594 names on it- all names of students from Hogwarts?" said Harry shoving it up Oliver's ear.

"Well, then why are you calling a girls clothing store then hmmmm?"

"Trying to get a hold of Hermione." Explained Harry.

"Shoot. Feels like the bludger just hit me." said Wood in one tone. "Well I have to go Harry nincompoop… my darling Angelina is awaiting her new_ boyfriend_ outside now that my COUSIN'S shift is over. Oh.. Hold on." All Harry could hear in the background was Angelina saying: "Hey Oliver honey, let's talk. NOW. Did you send out letters in pink ink to everyone at Hogwarts saying you WEREN'T GAY! What the heck are you thinking! Katie is totally sure you are, and you never told me you were? Now publicity is going to think I'm well, A LES! (Painful slap from Angelina) Oliver I can't believe you! We are so over- c'mon Katie let's get outta here, and oh this is for you wood." Harry couldn't see what it was over the phone obviously but it was a bag from Chateau Rouge- a very chic clothing store. Oliver took it and opened it; out he took a hot pink shirt that said: _All my black shirts are dirty. _

"_ANGELINA! IT'S NOT MY FAULT NEVILLE HAS THOSE HOT FRECKLES AND THAT GILDEROY LOCKHART IS SO DAMN SEXY!"_

_The after-afterward: "Harry soon after got a hold on Hermione and they became VERY good friends. Harry took Hermione to black cauldron for a couple of hot chocolates -non alcoholic. Soon they were walking everywhere hand in hand………. And Malfoy was so jealous that he look uglier in real life than he did on any Harry potter video game. And as for Wood, well nobody ever knew if he got over him being gay- no one thinks so at least._


End file.
